


Cake, please

by AppleSeeds



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Ancient Egypt, Aziraphale and Crowley Through The Ages (Good Omens), Aziraphale is Bad at Being an Angel (Good Omens), Aziraphale is a Little Shit (Good Omens), Cake, Crowley Watches Aziraphale Eat (Good Omens), Crowley is Bad at Being a Demon (Good Omens), Crowley's Name is Crawly | Crawley (Good Omens), Hungry Aziraphale (Good Omens), M/M, Snake Crowley (Good Omens), Teasing, The Book of the Dead - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:34:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26251975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AppleSeeds/pseuds/AppleSeeds
Summary: In Ancient Egypt, Crawly discovers the lengths to which Aziraphale will go to ensure himself a plentiful supply of cake.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 71





	Cake, please

**Author's Note:**

> I read The Book of the Dead and it inspired this. Title is from Eddie Izzard's "Cake or death?" sketch. From reading the book, I infer that the Ancient Egyptians were quite consistently concerned about both.

**1495BC**

The serpent slithered into the temple without experiencing even the slightest burning on his underside. Apparently it was acceptable for a demon to frequent a place the humans considered holy, as long as their ideas about who they should be worshipping were wrong. Every human who had ever set foot in this temple would find themselves amongst his lot before long. It was all they’d ever known, and they were just doing what they thought was right. Didn’t seem fair really, but after Mesopotamia, that hardly surprised him.

He advanced into the main chamber where the funeral service had just taken place (another soul now enjoying the sulphur pits of his head office), gliding effortlessly across the stone floor, without even a hint of surprise at the scene in front of him.

“Well, well, well...” he announced smugly, shifting into his human form.

“Oh!” The angel retracted his hand, which had just been reaching towards a table full of offerings to the gods, left by the family and friends of the deceased. “Hello, Crawly.” Aziraphale flicked his eyes away from the table and down to the floor, his cheeks flushed at being caught in the act. Crawly smirked in response, tilting his head and inspecting the angel. “Is something the matter?”

“Yeeees, actually. It seems someone has been interfering with my temptations. The humans here are so _resistant_. Everyone’s talking about conditions they’ve been told they need to meet to secure themselves a place in Heaven.”

“Oh?” The angel’s attempt to feign innocence was feeble but amused Crawly nonetheless. It was actually quite adorable.

“Yes. They say these conditions have been given to them by the god of writing himself, and are detailed in the funerary papyri. They’re pretty extensive and make quite the book, telling the humans not to lie in court, not to inflict pain on each other, not to steal land and the such like, or they won’t be allowed into Heaven.”

“That sounds perfectly reasonable,” Aziraphale offered, fidgeting with his hands at the front of his robes.

“Mmm... sounds like something one of your lot could come up with. So I read the book to see what I was up against, and... well, angel, there’s a lot of mention of _cake_ in it.” Crawly nodded his head in the direction of the table of offerings. “And I thought... what angel do I know who loves books and cake?”

“What are you implying?” Aziraphale stopped fidgeting and clutched his hands tightly together.

“You pretended to be their god of writing and told them to do all this stuff! You told them they wouldn’t get into Heaven if they stole the cakes left in the temple! You told them their friends and family had to bring cakes to their funeral and leave them for the gods! You told them that if their family and friends didn’t _continually_ bring cakes to the temple in their honour _for the rest of their lives_ to keep the gods fed then their loved one would lose their place in Heaven and be sent to the underworld! Now, what possible reason could you have had for doing that? Could it be that before I slithered in here you were about to carry off with another batch of delicious cakes baked atop the flames of angelic deceit?”

The angel’s blush deepened.

“It’s not as though the ‘gods’ will miss the cakes, Crawly, and _most_ of the book is about being a good person.”

“Right, yeah, for what that’s worth. Doesn’t matter what these people do, we both know they’re all ending up with my lot.”

“Well, then, why do you need to tempt them?” Aziraphale asked with a self-satisfied little wiggle. Crawly glared, but it wasn’t sufficient to wipe the smug look off Aziraphale’s face.

“Mmmwell... yeah, I don’t, do I? But it’s a guaranteed win, isn’t it? S’easy, gets my success rate up, keeps head office off my back.”

“It almost sounds like you only want to tempt someone who is damned already,” Aziraphale suggested, his voice low.

“Oh, shut up.”

“Fenkhu cake?” Aziraphale offered, abandoning all shame and heading over to the table to scoop up some of the cake, wrapping it in cloth and holding it out towards Crawly.

“No, thanks. You carry on.”

“I believe I will. These cakes aren’t going to eat themselves, and if they don’t vanish then the people might worry their cakes weren’t good enough for the gods. Imagine the harm that could cause!”

“You are ridiculous,” Crawly shook his head, trying to suppress a smile as the angel took a bite of the fenkhu cake and let out a moan of pleasure, which reminded Crawly of something else from the book. “So you _did_ write the book?” Aziraphale nodded, still chewing the cake. “What’s the bit about not masturbating in the temple about?”

Aziraphale spluttered and coughed against the cake that had become lodged in his throat. Crawly raised an eyebrow.

“Well, if you must know... on one of the days I came to the temple to...”

“Plunder the offerings? _Defraud_ the gods of their cakes? Carry off with the cakes offered to the spirits?” Crawly suggested, quoting the book.

“Well, _yes_ , and there was a young man in here doing... _that_ , which I really could have done without, so I had the humans add it into the book.”

“Naughty angel, using your powers to shape the world around you how you want it. No wonder these humans haven’t discovered the truth about God if you keep convincing them their pretend gods are real and need a never-ending supply of cake. Not that I’m complaining. Go ahead, enjoy yourself.”

Crawly settled himself on the stone floor, leaned back and crossed his arms across his chest, watching to see what Aziraphale would do next. The angel rolled his eyes and turned back to the table, scooping up four different types of cake onto the cloth before joining Crawly on the floor, clutching the cakes protectively against his body as he lowered himself down.

Aziraphale unwrapped the cloth and broke off another piece of cake, opening his mouth and slowly and deliberately placing it on his tongue. He let out another satisfied moan. Crawly rested his chin on the back of his hand and watched, enraptured.

Hopefully the promise of unending cake would be enough to keep Aziraphale in the area for a while.

“Ohhhhhh.... scrumptious!”

Crawly certainly had no intentions of going elsewhere.


End file.
